Captain Kirk's Ghost
by PinkFan-Gurl
Summary: Hajime makes a mistake, Keiichiro is lost, Leo can't climb to save his life, and Satsuki is ready to condemn all of them. based on the English dub personalities, reader discretion is advised


**Warning:** _lots of foul language and a few offensive remarks. Reader discretion is advised._

 _..._

Satsuki was going to kill him. Literally _kill_ him.

"Why the _fuck_ did you bring me all the way out here?" Satsuki shrugged her backpack further up her shoulder, trying to come up with a reason to not hit him with it.

After school, Hajime had practically dragged her from the sidewalk saying that he found a spot in the woods. She wasn't going to satisfy him by going, but he promised to have Leo buy her an expensive dinner so she agreed. Now, here they stood, in an overgrown and trashy old zoo.

Hajime rolled his eyes, but grinned condescendingly just the same. "I already told you it's a surprise, idiot. But it's so sweet!"

Leo glanced back at the forced hole in the fence that they had crawled in through. "How'd you even find this in the first place, Hajime? We're in an abandoned zoo."

Looping his arm around his friend's neck, Hajime said, "So I was out here with the bunny-girl from what—episode ten?—and—"

"What the hell?" Satsuki whipped around, jabbing her finger directly into Hajime's chest. "Why were you with that creepy bitch?"

" _Because_ ," Hajime removed her hand from him and kept walking, "despite the fact that she is totally nuts, she's hot."

"I would totally hit that too, yeah." Leo giggled.

Satsuki sighed, crossing her arms as she power walked ahead of them. "Leo, your boner is showing. But fine, Hajime. See if I care if you get an STD from a girl who fucked around with rabbits."

Hajime and Leo shared a look, then bolted to catch up with her only to nearly trip when Satsuki came to a sudden halt. "Where is Keiichiro?" she demanded.

Her two companions glanced behind them. "It appears that we are short one retarded boy," Hajime quipped.

Satsuki decked him in the arm. "This is serious, you ass!"

"I mean, he couldn't have gotten that far could he?" Leo used his hands as if they were binoculars to scope the surrounding area, but there were only a few empty animal exhibits in the nearest vicinity, none of which had Keiichiro. "We already determined that Keiichiro has horrible endurance."

"Stop talking, Leo, and climb up onto that rock." Satsuki pointed at a large boulder inside of an old exhibit. "That should be high enough to get a good overlook of the park."

"I hate heights!" Leo groaned but Satsuki and Hajime were already jogging towards the corroded fence that gave easy access to the bottom of the cliff. "Where the hell is Momoko when you need her? She would have kept the kid out of trouble," he grumbled.

"Stop complaining, Chosen People, and get your ass up here." Hajime pulled himself over the edge of the rock, which was actually some sort of synthetic material, and stood up to get a good view….right down Satsuki's shirt.

"I know what you're looking at you fucking pervert," Satsuki spat, sitting up on the edge, "and if I didn't need your help, I would throw you off of this rock and pin the murder on Leo."

"Hey, I heard that!" Leo cried from the side of the rock. He was about a third of the way up and was trembling. "When I die, I'm not putting a good word in for you with the Big Man!"

"Cry me a river."

Peering out, Hajime recognized the bear exhibit where there was a hole blown through the front fence. "Satsuki, that's what I was going to show you," he pointed out toward it and she followed the direction with her eyes. "Pretty cool, huh?"

"A gaping hole in a stupid animal cage?"

"Are you shitting me, Hajime?" Leo shrieked from below them. He was almost halfway up the side by this point. "You didn't even tell her this old zoo is haunted?"

"No.."

Satsuki smiled in annoyance. "What part of this shit hole town isn't haunted?"

Hajime stretched his arms up in his standard anime pose. "They say that twenty years ago, the zoo's only bear,Captain Kirk, was—"

"You can't be serious," Satsuki deadpanned. "The bear was named Captain Kirk?"

"The people in this town like Star Trek, okay, Satsuki?" Hajime raised his voice. "Just deal with it and stop interrupting, woman!" Satsuki sneered at him. "Anyway," Hajime paused, but when she stayed quiet, he continued, "one day Captain Kirk just decided to run full force at the bars and he smashed them. Eighteen people died and they never caught ol' Captain Kirk, even though they put, like, eight bullets in his head."

"So you're telling me that this stupid bear of yours is the ghost of this zoo?" she asked.

"I'd like to think so," Hajime answered.

"I hope not," Satsuki shot back.

Hajime groaned. "Why not? This would be the coolest ghost so far!"

"Except my mother wasn't doing her exorcism bullshit twenty-years ago because she was married at that point you dumb ass! How are we supposed to put a spirit to spiritual sleep when we don't have it in the book?"

Hajime shrugged. "Can we be honest here? All the other times we put ghosts to spiritual sleep were the most random, on the spot solutions ever and I'm pretty sure your mom was on crack when she was writing in her ghost book. The only ghost we put away that kind of made sense was Amanojaku with all of that Satanic scribbling on the ground and even then he somehow ended up in your dumb cat."

Satsuki nodded as if to agree. "True."

"Hey, guys?" Leo peeked his head over the edge, panting heavily. Sweat beaded on his forehead and his voice was shaky, from fear or being athletically challenged it was unknown. "Have you guys forgotten about Keiichiro?"

Satsuki and Hajime both snapped their fingers, giving pointed looks and small grins. "Oh yeah!" Satsuki said.

"I almost forgot over the thickening of the plot," Hajime responded.

Leo hauled himself up and flopped over onto his back, breathing heavy still. "Have you guys made up from earlier already? Usually it takes longer than that."

"Oh right," Satsuki frowned at Hajime, "I'm supposed to mad at you, ya dumb shank."

Hajime growled, "I'm going to end you," at Leo.

Leo ignored him. "I guess it's up to me to get the story going again; so have you tried calling Keiichiro or have you spent this whole time silently looking out at the zoo grounds?"

Satsuki laughed. "Who do you think we are, Leo? We've _barely_ looked for him."

Leo shook his head. "How did I end up getting into this mess?"

"Good question," Satsuki smiled, "but don't forget that you're paying for my lobster and caviar later."

"What?" Leo shrieked, sitting up for the first time.

Hajime laughed nervously. "I'll tell you later...anyway! Let's call Keiichiro and get out of here."

Satsuki cupped her hands around her mouth and was about to yell out her idiot brother's name, but Hajime stopped her. "He's not going to respond to that," he said.

"What?"

"There's only one way to get through to him." Closing his eyes, Hajime released an incoherent, garbled screech that sounded a lot like Keiichiro. A moment later, one answered in the distance. "Found him."

"Impressive," Leo praised.

Hajime face-palmed. "Leo, your boner."

"Ah, sorry."

Satsuki looked out to where the noise had come from. "Good God, you have got to be kidding me." Frantically, she found the easiest way down from the rock and started in a run.

"Where are you going?" Leo bellowed.

Satsuki didn't slow down. "Keiichiro's dumb squeal came from the fucking bear cage!"

"Oh," Hajime murmured. "That's not good. Let's go, Leo." He climbed down the rock as well, sprinting to catch up with Satsuki.

Leo screamed, pulling at his hair. "I just climbed this stupid rock and now we're done up here?"

Leo's screams of annoyance were left unanswered because Satsuki was hauling ass towards the bear cage, but that was nothing compared to Keiichiro when he suddenly appeared, running through the hole in the cage toward Satsuki. A giant bear the size of an elephant was chasing behind him.

"What the _fuck_?" Satsuki grabbed Keiichiro's wrist when he was in range, and then poured on the speed in the other direction, back towards the rock. Hajime was approaching them as they cleared about half the distance. "Run! You dumbass!"

"What?" Hajime stood frozen for a moment when he finally saw the bear. It wasn't until Satsuki ran past him did he regain his sense enough to run too. "That's not a bear, that's a mutant! Why the hell do freakin' animators over exaggerate the size of ghost animals? A normal sized bear is just as terrifying as your _stupid_ Goliath bear!"

"Keiichiro, what the hell were you doing in Captain Kirk's cage?" Satsuki demanded over the bear's growls and their own pants.

Keiichiro cried in gibberish.

"I guess you're right, Keiichiro," Satsuki said, shooting daggers at Hajime, "it is Hajime's fault!"

"My fault?" the accused boy demanded.

"You're the one who brought us here after fucking a rabbit!" she snapped.

"I did not fuck a rabbit!"

"You fucked a girl who fucked a rabbit, so you also, _fucked_ a rabbit!"

They crawled through the corroded fence that was able to hold off the bear just long enough to climb the rock. Leo, who had barely made any progress in his descent, glanced over his shoulder. "What's going on? You're coming back up?"

"Did you eat paint chips as a child?" Satsuki screamed up at him, shoving Keiichiro higher and higher up the face of the synthetic rock. "There's an enormous bear that's going to rip out our spleens and you haven't noticed?"

Leo climbed back over onto the top of the ledge. "I had to hyperfocus on climbing so I didn't pussy out."

"Too late for that!"

Hajime scrambled over the side with the help of Leo, and then both boys reached down to help Satsuki and Keiichiro up onto the top of the rock. "I didn't screw bunny-girl," Hajime said, nose to nose with Satsuki.

She wrinkled her nose, shoving him backwards. "Now's not the time!"

A loud sound of rusty metal against rusty metal brought their attention to Captain Kirk who had ripped down the fence and was starting the climb, though he had a hard time with it's oversized paws on the small handhelds.

"It's foaming at the mouth!" Leo shouted. Keiichiro screamed gibberish again.

Satsuki pointed towards the spot on the rock furthest away from the side of the rock where the bear was. "Keiichiro, stand there and don't cause us more trouble! Otherwise, we'll throw you to the bear to save ourselves."

Keiichiro did as told, barely phased by the fact his sister just threatened to throw him to a bear.

"Now might be a good time to put it to spiritual sleep," Hajime said urgently, trying to keep the panic out of his voice but failed.

"What if you can't? What if it's not a ghost and it doesn't work?" Leo clung onto Hajime.

Satsuki huffed indignantly. "Fuck that. I don't care if it's an alien, this bastard is going to spiritual sleep."

Locking her eyes on the nearest object to her, in this case an old hotdog statue, and focused her emotions on it. Imagining the bear being trapped like a little bitch in the hotdog, she chanted, " _You'll never fly the Enterprise! You'll never fly the Enterprise! YOU'LL NEVER FLY THE ENTERPRISE!"_

Suddenly, Captain Kirk's growls increased and a bright light shot out from his paws. His head swooped over the edge of the rock face, nearly taking Leo with him which made Leo piss his pants. Then the bear was a translucent turquoise blob that was sucked into the hot dog. Mission accomplished.

"Damn," Hajime breathed. "I can't believe that actually worked!"

Leo laughed nervously, tying his sweater around his waist to cover the pee stain. "I'm so happy I'm not bear chow."

"We know you peed, Leo. Own up to it."

Keiichiro ran to Satsuki, hugging her around the waist. "I should have went to church with Momoko this morning," he cried.

Satsuki stroked his hair soothingly. "Guess you should have, you horrible pain in the ass," she smiled.

Together, Keiichiro, Satsuki, and Hajime climbed down from the rock, and after waiting ten minutes for Leo to hurry up, Hajime climbed back up and kicked Leo from the edge so that he landed on the ground. Fortunately, nothing was broken despite his two story fall, flat on his back.

"So," Satsuki started once they had congregated around the hot dog that currently housed the spirit of Captain Kirk, the bear, "what do we do with this to keep it from getting destroyed and him getting out again?"

Hajime shrugged. "Probably just leave it there and pray to God that nothing happens, like every other episode?"

Leo nodded. "Good call. Besides, no one's going to question it anyway. The only people who are probably even going to read this story are the author's sister and her friend Evelyn."

Satsuki gasped, covering her brother's ears. "Leo, you _dumb_ _motherfucker_! You just broke a major wall! I know we joke about it a lot, but we aren't _supposed_ to know we're in a fanfiction!"

Hajime shrugged. "Too late for that! Let's go!"

Hajime led the way back to the entrance of the zoo, making sure to take a detour around Captain Kirk's lair. Once they were on the safe side of the wall, well safe enough as it is for four kids alone in the middle of the woods on a mountain, Hajime fell into step with Satsuki.

"What do you want?" she snapped, but it was half hearted.

Hajime was quiet for a moment. "I just want you to know, that, I didn't fool around with bunny-girl from episode ten...or whatever it was. Maybe twelve? But I wasn't even at Captain Kirk's lair with her, I just said that to make you jealous. I found it with Leo about a year before you showed up."

Satsuki gave him a side glance. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because," he rifled his fingers through his hair, "I-the only reason I wanted you to come with me there was because I wanted to hang out with you one-on-one. I hadn't expected Leo or your brother to tag along-thank God Momoko wasn't with us either."

"You wanted me to give you a blowjob, didn't you?" She narrowed her eyes at Hajime.

He laughed nervously. "Not entirely…"

"You pig."

"I mean, I do like you."

"I'm not going to give you a blowjob. I'm saving that for Tom Cruise."

"What about a kiss?"

"Never in a million years."

 _2/26/17_


End file.
